Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out.
(572 JOKES)
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A SENIOR CHURCH MOMENT
by KEVIN D.
A Preacher was explaining that he must move on to a larger congregation that
will pay him more. There is a hush within the congregation,... No one wanted
him to leave.
Joe Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the City stands up and
proclaims, ... 'If the Preacher stays, I will provide him with a new
Cadillac every year, and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their
children!' The congregation sighs in relief, and applauds.
Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and investor, stands and says, 'If the
Preacher will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and also
establish a foundation to guarantee the college education of all his
children!' More sighs and loud applause.
Sadie Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Preacher
stays, .... I will give him sex!' There is total silence. The Preacher,
blushing, asks her, 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Sadie's 90 year old husband Jake is now trying to hide, holding his forehead
with the palm of his hand, and shaking his head from side to side, while his
wife replies, 'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said,
........'Screw the Preacher!'
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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
by TERRY
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my
Husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
Telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion.
'If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of
toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.'
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. 'How long will
this take?' I asked.
'They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper
between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the
years?'
Without missing a beat he says 'Worked for your butt, didn't it?'
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WHAT'S IN A NAME????
by LYNN---THE BFN
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone.
She approached him.
'My name is Carmen,' she told him.
'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'
'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like Most -- Cars and Men.'
'What's your name?' she asked. With a smile he replied, 'B.J. Titsenbeer'
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THE POST TURTLE
by TAMI
While suturing a cut on the hand of a Texas rancher whose hand was
caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to
Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, "Well, ya know, Obama is a "post turtle."
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a "post
turtle" was.
The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a "post
turtle".
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he
doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up
there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in the
first place.
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REDNECK PICK-UP LINES
by DONNA D.
1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away
2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special
3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in
4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out
5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em
6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole
7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away
8) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bedrock
10) I can't find my puppy can you help mefind him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room
11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner
12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon
And the best for last
13)Your face reminds me of a wrench, lookin at you makes my nuts tighten up
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