GUMS' JOKES AND FUNNIES

Warning some of these joke may pop your PC balloon. So if your easily offended then get the hell out. (581 JOKES)

IRISH REASONING
by BRANDON

An email from Ireland to all of their brethren in the States...a point to ponder despite your political affiliation:

'We, in Ireland, can't figure out why you people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you had a pants wearing female lawyer, married to another lawyer who can't seem to keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against another lawyer, who goes to the wrong church, who is married to yet another lawyer, who doesn't even like the country her husband wants to run!

Now...On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose name starts with the appropriate 'Mc' terminology, married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship !!

What in God's name are ya lads thinkin over in the colonies??

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THE CLOCK
by BRANDON

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clo ck will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'
'That's Mother Teresa 's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's Senator Obama's clock?' asked the man. 'Obama's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

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THE CLEANERS
by TAMI

A blonde goes into the cleaners &
drops off a blouse to be dry-cleaned.

As she's leaving, the man behind the counter says,
'Come again!'

The blonde stops and says,
'No, it's mustard this time.'

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THE BARBER SHOP
by GUMS

John McCain and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken.

The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the after shave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, ' No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse'.

The second barber turned to McCain and said 'how about you?'

McCain replied 'Go ahead, my wife Cindy doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.'

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FOR THE LADIES----
by CHEROKEE

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

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